I’ve got this, tears and all.

I’ve just had a week on my own with the girls and I always worried about it because I knew that after, I’d be heading back to work. I’ve fallen lucky really because my actual first day back was supposed to be today, work have planned a team building trip on Wednesday so my shift got swapped.

Ahh, an extra few days with my littles.

A day doing high ropes is WAY more exciting than catching up with emails and policies – which are important of course – but something fun may help hold off my tears, because I feel plenty coming.

Pre pregnancy I was working four days a week, which included a Saturday shift. I’ve had quite a few messages recently about work, it seems a lot of you guys thought I was a stay at home Mam (which I would love) but I have to say I am lucky enough to have the best of both worlds. On my return (sob) I’ll be working two days a week, which doesn’t include a Saturday now, YEY. I love my job, and its been my chosen career since I was eighteen. So from that point of view I am happy, I have a job that I love, with people I love. Listen I’m not going to lie, I do look forward to adult conversation, a hot drink, peeing alone, you know the luxuries you don’t get at home haha. I work with young people so my days are always varied, it can be fun but it can also be really serious.

I’ve had eleven months off, which is two months longer than my last maternity leave, again I feel lucky! I should have been back in August really but with a house move, Loralai starting school and Ricky being on tour, it just made sense to wait a little longer. Those things are big, emotional, grown up stuff right? All of which I will be blogging about soon.

But back to the work chat now …

Both times (returning to work) I’ve felt sad, heavy hearted, tearful, just wanting to stay at home and have all the fun with the babes. Doesn’t it make you forget about the hard stuff? Those days you don’t get to eat or have two minutes to yourself? It all looks rosy when really motherhood is hard, bloody hard at that. I actually had a full time job when I had Loralai and upon my return I quit to start a new one (my current job) I used to work fifteen hours on an evening so I feel like the work transition wasn’t as hard as what I am feeling now. I spent all my days with her, my weekends and a Monday! I would leave and she’d be going to bed. I worked outside, in all weathers for nearly three years as I slowly transitioned into some day work. Me and Ricky both don’t have family close so our work lives have always had to work around Loralai, childcare (crazy expensive) and that’s why we waited so long (and for the free hours) for me to change my work pattern.

We are in the same positon now, well kind of, childcare is still a no go, too pricey! Still no family close by but this time we have to think about school runs and we have two kids, not one! I was anxious about how things would turn out this time, wondering if I would be able to reduce hours, what would things look like for us finically if I did drop hours? So many things to think of. And this time I am returning to work breastfeeding, something new to me that has actually added questions, worries and stress to my return journey! Only due to the ‘I am expressing? Bottle or Beaker? Formula? Just boobing morning and night?’ … Questions which still are unanswered and I’m back in like two days, haha. I have an amazing support network online, the breastfeeding community is SO good on Instagram so I am in good hands.

I haven’t done any practice or trial runs with Marceline, she’s literally been with me her whole ten months, I’ve been away from her for the odd few hours, four times. Just four times, so I’m anxious for her, not just me but I do feel some happiness, some calm, some reassurance because she’ll be with her Dad. Someone she knows, loves and it’s also going to be so great for Ricky, he didn’t get time like this with Loralai. The stay at home time, it’s going to be hard though, tough even! Ricky will work three long and late shifts mid week so I can work my two days, he’ll also work the odd Saturday to make things all balance out. We are back to making things work, whatever we can to ensure our girls are good, that we are finically stable so it can all work out. We won’t see each other that much through the week but we’ve done this before, we can do it again, as Marceline grows I’ll have more freedom with work.

I haven’t wasted time worrying, thinking, focusing on returning but it has always been in my mind. I felt stressed when I asked to reduce my hours but everything worked out fine, as the weeks and days have become closer I have felt the ‘dread’. Its not work though, its me, having to leave my bubble. My comfort, my girls, this life, it just shows how quickly life goes by. We’ve had SO much fun, me and the girls, I’ve had beautiful moments alone with them both and guess what? That’s never going to stop because I’m their Mam and I still have most of my week at home or out with them. I’m really happy to have my weekends back too.

I am a HUGE emotional mess, I will cry and more than once too, I have fears about breastfeeding, general anxieties, just SO many feelings. My sleep right now is so awful too, a mix of late nights, not being able to sleep and Marceline boobing. Then I remind myself I function everyday, I’ve just done a week on my own too, I’ve got this, right? I know that I have support in work colleagues, my husband and I hope that Marceline takes to me leaving just as well as Loralai did. And I know you are probably thinking, ‘she’s only working two days’ but man I will miss my girls, they are my everything and I really don’t feel ready to leave my maternity life. Marceline is our last baby too and as time brings us closer to her first birthday I feel like that’s adding to my emotions, and my fears of breastfeeding ending.

I think I could talk, talk and talk about this for ages but I’d only be repeating myself.

So Sarah, get your big girl pants on, its time for a new chapter.

YOU CAN DO THIS SAZZLE, you can.

And to all of you lovelies who are due back too, or soon  … 

Image:

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2 Replies to “I’ve got this, tears and all.”

  1. Having read this I thought it was very informative. I appreciate you taking the time and effort to put this article together. I once again find myself spending way to much time both reading and commenting. But so what, it was still worth it!

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